I should not have napped for so long this afternoon, as I now find myself awake and the imagination running steady. But there is something about a good old roaring PEI blizzard (I’ve missed this wind, strangely) that makes one throughly lazy and ready to hibernate. I am on vacation, too…

… and I am operating now at a higher gear of wedding planning/dreaming right now, as the date approaches and the fun details (flowers, decorations, favors, cake!) get their full attention. There is much to do, but none of it feels stressful at all — this is the creative part, and I love it. 2009 will be a lovely year for this and for many reasons.

2008 was also exquisitely good to me, though, quite probably the best year of my life so far. It was a year of exploration — I got the job at PCRFC early in the year (quitting hotel work without a backup plan was the bravest, and greatest, decision I have ever made in my life) and it awoke in me again the desire to learn, take risks, and do the work that comes most easily and passionately to me. Leaping, and believing the net would appear, paid off! Not only leaping, but now I seem to be running and taking running leaps a little more… this ambition and energy, mixed with a little more wisdom and thought, is so precious.

I am fixated on butterflies as a symbol.

Four years ago, I was obstructed by my bipolar disorder. I’m not ashamed anymore to write about this period of my life, and it feels refreshing to do so. Back then I believed, because of it and everything that happened, that I had mucked up my life beyond full recovery and that I would always be trapped in the pattern, never achieving anything. I mostly distrusted myself. I didn’t understand that I am not just that illness and nothing more, but that I simply have it and need to take care of it.

I experienced an art therapy session that spring (yes, I was very very cynical about it at the time), when we were asked to “paint” It. I created a shapeless, dense blob of black and dark gray. Then, we were asked to “change the picture” with paint. I thought the blob could pass for a cocoon, and I painted a fissure in it and then a great big multi-coloured/patterned butterfly, disproportionally large next to the blob (I have the artistic abilities of the average five year old). I wasn’t that butterfly yet, but the cocoon’s skin was getting less resistant to my struggle.

Later, a friend I met in the program wrote a message in my notebook: “Keep On Poking!”

Fast forward three years and a few months and a whole lot of poking, and well into my new job I won an office honour for raising the most amount of money for one of our events — I knew I was in the right place at the right time, for once in my life! I won a gift card for the mall, and one of my purchases jumped out at me while shopping — a gold-coloured choker shaped like a butterfly. I felt it was my arrival, a sign that I’d finally busted free from the past.

I wear it almost all the time and I often get compliments on it. This never fails to make me smile.

And so I fly into 2009.

I think I can sleep now…

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