I don’t get anxiety much these days. This is a great leap forward in the great scheme of anxiety’s history in my life.

Most of the time, I feel strong and cool and and really capable of knowing what to “sweat” and what not to.

I think this is why even the smallest little moments of anxiety and excessive worrying bug me (ha, worrying about worrying), and I know I haven’t shaken my horrendous fear of making mistakes and displeasing others.

Work is going well, although I find my manager hot and cold. There was a major staff meeting yesterday, however, where our collective mistakes and issues were gone over. We were told we can be replaced, directly.

And now there is this system where, everytime we make an error with our accounting or with an element of procedure, we will be issued a formally-typed “ticket” noting the error. If they pile up, they will go on permanent record.

I got one today. It wasn’t a serious mistake, and my manager did not single me out although she was in a terrible mood and was cantankerous with all of us, but I felt such a knot in my stomach. It was also a generally hectic day, and I found myself making a couple of small mistakes as I went because I was almost concentrating too hard to get it all perfect.

And I found myself, inexplicably, all teary-eyed when I made it to the locker room on my break. Me, lately, I’ve stared down the meanest guests lately unfazed, and I let one reprimand on a small clerical error get me down.

I know better. I’ve had to. I once let myself get down all of the time about stupid shit like this. I think it was just a frazzled kind of day, and sometimes the early early mornings do drain me.

Enh, not worth worrying about. Let it go. And, hey, I’m human still.

I hated the moment of weakness, still.

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